Thursday, March 14, 2013

Thoughts on Counseling

 
Shortly after I started dating this wonderful man, I realized that I had some big crap issues to take care of and that I would need to go to counseling. I've been to so much counseling in my life that I usually know what the answer is, I really just need a professional to tell me I am on the right path with my train of thoughts. There are just things that you have to work through alone and then there are things that you really need to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to stand by you as you work through the rest. After my last break up, I went to a man thinking I needed a man's opinion. That guy was old and didn't remember anything we had talked about the week before so I decided to try a woman this time and hoped she wouldn't have memory issues.
 
I've stretched out  my six free sessions for six months. Here is what I've learned....
  • I'm still extremely insecure.
  • I've been through so many bad relationships that I don't truly trust anyone
  • This all (or mostly) stems from my childhood and my father
  • I'm going to need six more sessions (or more) to get a grip on my insecurity
I don't handle change well and I overthink pretty much every little thing. I used to overthink the life of my children and if I was being a good enough parent. Now that three of them are adults, I have stopped because I can truly see that I am a good parent and they are able to confirm that. I'm not the best parent and I'm certainly not perfect, but I did a pretty damn good job thank you very much!
 
I also tend to be an oversharer - which can be good and bad at the same time. My problem at the moment is that I don't really filter what comes out of my mouth much of the time. Lately, I've said things I wish I could take back because they make me look like an insecure bitch (which I won't deny that I am) but that's not who I want to be and certainly not who I want people to think I am. I also don't want to hide who I truly am. I don't like who I truly am some times and that's what I need to change.
 
My heart is hard towards those people who have hurt me deeply. I forgive and forgive and forgive until it hurts and then I will cut you off like you never existed. For some people it's just the way I have to be, i.e. my parents first child. If a toxic person is in your life and they continue to be toxic, it's ok to cut them out of your life. Chances of them changing are very slim so let them go. If they truly change and want back in, then you make the decision to let them in or not. You need to do what's best for YOU. Look out for yourself because no one else will or can do it better. I don't want to have a hard heart anymore and I'm working towards softening it to my own benefit and to the benefit of those around me that I love.
 
This is my self-talk. This is what I tell myself every morning. I'm hoping that eventually it will all sink into my heart. I worry that I will become a toxic person and someone I love will want to cut me out of their life. I do have a tendency to set myself up to be hurt. My counselor says it's because it's what I'm used to and I agree. I'm not used to being loved unconditionally and I don't know how to handle this love. I'm trying. I'm working on it. She said that I need to work through insecure feelings and keep my insecure thoughts to myself. Not every time, but when it's something I'm freaking out about that hasn't even happened yet and honestly probably won't, I need to recognize what is going on - is it justified or just full on freaking out over something that is out of my control? I can't always tell the difference.
 
I like a plan. I like to know what my future holds. I don't really like change. My life has been changing a lot lately and I'm getting overwhelmed. My department at work just underwent a big restructure and now I'm reporting to someone new and I still don't really know what my job is. I need to move at the end of the year and don't know where I'm going. This is a big one because my relationship plan was to incorporate another person in my home during the summer of 2014 and now I'm not sure that will happen or when it will happen and now isn't the time to talk about it. There is a possible job change in the future (not for me) that might throw a kink in "the plan". I'm deciding today that I will continue on with my life as though I am single and only need to think about my future and the future of my son who still lives at home. That's the only thing I have control over and the rest will fall in to place.
 
I've prayed about it on a constant basis every day, all day long. I am just going to trust that God has a great plan and I will be fine. It's been working so far so I need to trust that it will contine to work. Right? And then I read things like this below. I have overcome a lot. I will be fine. WE will be fine. 


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