Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Stay. Positive. Stay. Positive. Stay. Positive.

 

Maybe if I keep repeating this to myself if will eventually sink in....one can only hope. If you saw me at work or just out in public you more than likely would think I'm a positive person much of the time. I try to be. It's those times when I'm alone in the car, alone at home or talking to my counselor that all the crap just floods to the top and I get super negative about all sorts of weird and crazy stuff. I don't like to be outwardly negative because I do care what people think about me and I never intentionally want to hurt anyone's feelings (unless you are a certain sibling of my brother). I think we all feel this way and screw those people who are all "fake it til you make it" BSers. Seriously, that's not healthy either. Just let me be who I am. I'm working on being better but I have a lot of crap that I haven't dealt with - doing that now thank you very much. Finally found a counselor that I feel like I can relate to. She doesn't cast judgement. She just listens to me ramble and when I have a moment of enlightenment she affirms it.

Counseling was yesterday and you would have never known it (or maybe that was the problem) because at the end of the day, man I was a freakin' mess! Angry about all kinds of I don't even know what and didn't know where this was all coming from! These are the moments I am SOOOO thankful I only have one more child at home and that I'm still living alone - not with my significant other. If there were too many people around, I wouldn't be able to avoid and ignore until the volcano going off inside me simmers back down. Man, I would have completely ruined the good things I have going last night if a certain someone was in my house. I don't even want to think about that but really, truly hope that this whatever it is boiling up will soon simmer to a slow roll and cool off permanently.

Here are the facts: I didn't have great parents. They did what they could to provide, but emotionally they both really sucked at it all and honestly still do. I can't depend on either of them because there is still that little girl inside me that feels judged. I learned at a very early age not to try to open up about what I was really feeling. The results always ended in some sort of judgement. Same in my marriage. I kept a lot of stuff in. Now it just all comes out before I can stop it sometimes. It's dangerous. However, I am WAY beyond thankful that this man I'm head over heels in love with is amazingly patient and kind and loving and nonjudgmental and helping me to be a better person and he doesn't even know it. He's leading by example. I just want to get over all the junk going on inside me before he and I have a life together - like where I can't just not answer his call because I'm scared what might come out of my mouth or where we can just talk in text so I can review what I say before I send it.

Staying positive isn't always a daily struggle. Going to counseling has brought up some things I wasn't expecting but I know it's for the better and I have to work through it to be better. It's the in between time that can suck the life of ya. I have so, so much to be thankful for. There are people all around me going through so much worse, I realize that. But this is me and my life. I'm not saying things are horrible. I'm saying I'm having a hard time. That's it. Nothing more than just that - I'm struggling. Writing this blog (and going to counseling) is helping to get it all out and get on with life.

Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay positive. Done.
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