Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I AM ENOUGH



Things at my homestead have been pretty mild lately, not really much going on and trying to be more crafty these days. Although, the month of February has proven to be a bit challenging on the nerves - mine to be exact. I don't like to complain (really I don't) and I don't like drama. I much prefer for things to just move along nice and easy and smooth.

So, I'm dating this amazingly great guy (STILL!!) Yep, it's been 8 months (yes I count and I know the exact day of the month - 23) and I still shake my head at how truly smooth everything is going. Even the distance (roughly 160 miles but who's counting) isn't an obstacle. It's been me going to his house much more than in the beginning, but that's really my choice - oh and the choice of his job since he is in retail and doesn't have a set M-F 8-5 job with weekends off. But I like it there, a lot. It's nice and peaceful and quite and there aren't tons of kids coming in and out. It would ever only be just one - his son - who doesn't really make an appearance all that often, but when he does, it's always fun and pleasant and we have a great time together. And we have two dogs who love each other....

Meet Ada and Z. Get it? Ada Z! LOL

Then there are my parents.....my dad and his wife and my mom. They are getting older - my dad will be 78 on April 9th and my mom will be 79 on April 26th. WOW! I can't believe that I just wrote that, but it's the truth. My mom was recently moved into a retirement living facility and seems to be getting along fine. I've gone to visit her a few times. Not as consistently as I had hoped in the beginning, but to be honest, it's not easy. It's really difficult to be around someone who was so smart all your life then suddenly doesn't even remember how to put her bra on. She has dementia. It sucks and I truly hope I can avoid the disease myself. My grandmother (my mom's mom) had what we believe was dementia/Alzheimer's but was also physically having a hard time because the Polio she had as a child had started to come back. She didn't suffer for the 11+ years I've heard so many people dealing with lately. My mother is physically very healthy which seems to make this much more difficult for me to deal with. I fear her living this way for another 10 years. My dad and his wife are - hyper-religious and judgemental and mean well - they always mean well. They love me, I know they do, but I have resentment and that has reared it's ugly head here lately.

In fact, I went to counseling for this very subject yesterday. I started counseling back in August when I started dating Mr. Wonderful and realized very quickly that I would be the cause of a downfall and that scared the bejesus out of me. I didn't want to lose him and I knew I had trust and insecurity issues that could only be dealt with IN a relationship. I had done all I could do on my own. I needed a strong man who loved me unconditionally that was willing to stay strong through me working past all the crap. He has way beyond proven that he is that man and that I am one lucky girl!

Back to my dad, I can't talk to them about it. It won't do any good. Things aren't going to change. They are set in their ways and this is just how it's going to be. I, on the other hand, am a bit stubborn - much more stubborn than I had been the majority of my life having to learn to live with a father who was "always right" and a husband who was "never wrong" and both who didn't give a rats behind what my opinion was. I was to listen to them and do what they said and don't question it - ever. So now I question things - a lot. I am learning to bite my tongue, sometimes literally, so that I don't say something extremely hurtful. I love these people in my life that make me want to pull my hair out on occassion. I really do. I'm learning that actions speak louder than words. I've stopped calling my dad to ask for advice or his opinion because I have not agreed or liked it enough in the past that me not doing what he says has caused a little friction that we are both working through.

Basically, my counseling session yesterday consisted of me venting and being told exactly what I thought - he isn't going to change and it's better not to say anything hurtful that I will regret later. Be who I am. Have a relationship with them on my terms (my mom included) and do my dead level best to just move on and enjoy my parents for as long as I have them. People in my family don't live very long into their 80's so the time will come sooner than later that they won't be around and I will miss them.

I found the quote above on Facebook this morning. It's exactly what I needed to hear and believe about myself. 
 
I AM ENOUGH
 
I am full of sparkle & compassion.
I genuinely want to make the world a better place.
I love hard.
I practice kindness.
I'm not afraid of the truth.
I am loyal, adventurous, supportive and surprising.
I am a woman.
I am enough.
I make mistakes but I own them and learn from them.
Sometimes I make a lot of mistakes.
 
Molly Mahar
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