Thursday, September 13, 2012

Just to Clarify.....

Me and Z, 12/2011
As I do, I question things that I write. I wonder what people actually read. Do they read what I really wrote or do they read between the lines and wonder what I really meant by that? Probably both because that's what I do when I go back and read what I write. Occasionally I will make changes just to clarify those unanswered questions in everyone's (my) head.

My blog post on 9/12/12 was about my internal celebration of the anniversary of my own personal Independence Day. I didn't mean to come across like I need a man in my life to be whole or fulfilled. That is really just a side note to who I am today. I wanted to celebrate and encourage not loosing yourself in a marriage/relationship. I wanted whoever reads my ramblings to know that there is hope when you feel like you can't go on anymore. You just have to dig DEEP down inside, sometimes almost to your toes, but you WILL find the strength to succeed if you focus on the end goal. Mine has taken nine years so far, but I believe it will take a lifetime. I don't ever want to stop growing. Always keep learning and improving yourself.

I believe that we all want to be loved for who we are and not what we can do for someone. No one REALLY WANTS to grow old alone. We all have our childhood traumas and neglect that we have to overcome. Ok, maybe you are one of the lucky ones who had great parents that had a great and perfect marriage and you came away without any scars or battle wounds that you have to get over. Good for you. I think you are the .10% of the human race so be happy for yourself. That isn't the norm.

One Jan. 1 of this year, I declared that I was going to stop dating. Since I started having boyfriends, probably 8th grade, I would guess I've never gone more than six months without a date or guy/boyfriend in my life in some fashion. So when, at 44 years old, I went a full six months without a date, that was huge for me. And probably the best new year's resolution I'd ever made. I had also just gotten a dog, which TOTALLY helped the loneliness that I would feel when the kids were gone and it was just me alone in my apartment - reflecting. I had this precious little dog who looked to me like I was his everything - because I was. I spent those months thinking about the horrid experiences I'd had with men my whole life, the mistakes I'd made,the behaviors I'd allowed from men and what I truly wanted if I was to ever be in a relationship again.

My thoughts were such that I had sort of written off ever actually being in a relationship again because I wasn't convinced there was someone out there that I could tolerate, honestly. It wasn't so much that I wasn't sure there was someone out there who would tolerate me. I hadn't really had that problem. It was finding that guy that "got me", that guy that just genuinely LIKED me, that guy that wasn't an annoying jerk or needy girly guy or such a judgemental Christian that it caused me to feel like I wanted to run screaming down the street while pulling massive amounts of hair out of my head. I wasn't sure he existed so I would say, "I am destined to be eternally single" and honestly, I had gotten really ok with that. I saw too many people in really crappy relationships just because they didn't want to be alone. I'd been there, done that. Wasn't going to do that EVER again.

Here I sit today, with three adult children on their own or in college and one teenager still at home, in a really great place emotionally, physically (getting there), and just genuinely happy with life and thinking about my future. My heart aches for friends I have that are just now starting their new life process. I hope that on some small level, I can be a beacon in the night on their journey, a symbol of hope and promise that this will get better as long as you make the choice to make it better!
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