Thursday, December 8, 2011

Getting into the Season

Random house in a neighborhood by my office.
It seems like every year Christmas is different for me....are the kids there or not, am I really even feeling it? Last year I was dating someone that I actually broke up with four days later....more than four days too late, but that's another story. This year....I'm not really sure I'm feeling it yet, but it's getting there.

After my therapy sessions, I've decided I really want to be a better person. I appear to be someone on the outside that I am not always feeling on the inside. I let things get to me WAY too quickly and I take things more personally than people would imagine. I know when it's happening and I know I can just find someone to vent to and let it out, but I want to stop it before it gets to that point.

The "Reason for the Season" is about others, not about us. I have focused way too much on me in recent years and I really want to focus on other people this year. I have a lot of great friends and certain family members in my life that I don't think know just how much I appreciate them. I haven't been to church lately, but the church posts the pastor's sermon on Facebook so I can watch it from there. A recent sermon was about how Christmas is NOT your birthday. Well, that kinda hit home to me. I don't ever expect anything much from anyone for Christmas anymore. It's more about what I can do for my kids....for the most part. It's always nice to get a little somethin' somethin' but I don't expect it so I won't get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I really just want to be able to control that switch between my brain and my mouth. I want to WANT to have a relationship with my mom who is suffering from dementia. I want to let go of the events of two years ago and just be with her as much as possible before she is gone. This means going through her oldest son and THAT is my greatest challenge. I will have to open that door and talk to him again and have him tell me how things are supposed to go. I know he loves having control, so do I just let him have it in order to see my mom? I suppose so. Will I do it? That is yet to be seen. I guess, since he will have nothing once she's gone and really, this is all he has right now, I could give it to him. Let him have this one thing.

Being like Jesus. That's what I want to be. Be like Jesus. I want people to see Jesus in me, not the hate and bitterness that tends to come out when I least want it to. It's not gonna be easy but I've been through harder things. I can do this.

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