Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year New Me

So, here I sit, on the couch in my house, watching JAWS with my almost 13 year old son and listening to my new dog snore. Would I want tonight, my last two hours of 2011, be any different? Not really. It would be nice to have someone to kiss at midnight I suppose but I will kiss my son's cheek and my pugs head and go to bed perfectly happy tonight.

I'm at a new place in my life. For 2012, I want to be more positive and encouraging, read more and watch less tv, exercise more and drink less wine (after tonight of course) and just have a better outlook on life over all. I thought 2011 would bring my life partner and it almost did. I'm not even thinking about that this year. I want a better me and I'm going to achieve that.

Best of luck to everyone for 2012 and beyond. May you be blessed and loved in the best way possible.

(The picture is of the beautiful Christmas gift from my brother Andy and his husband Fred. It's all from India. I'm a very lucky girl!)

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Thursday, December 29, 2011

His name is Z.

Two years ago, when the kids and I moved from my mother's duplex to an apartment, we had to give away our two dogs, Baby and Tiny. We have all missed them very much. What we didn't miss was their messes. We could never seem to get them house trained.

Two days ago, a friend of mind posted a picture of a pug on Facebook saying he needed a good home. My oldest son, Michael, has mentioned wanting a pug for a long time. I showed him the picture. We were in. I just had to get the information on him, was he free, how old, etc. The answers to my questions were all perfect. We were going to have a dog again. This time, he would be house trained, not a puppy and, well, absolutely the sweetest dog in the world.

Yesterday, I was off work so we went to pick him up. His name was Smoke (no clue why) but Michael wanted to change his name to Z. Why Z? He wanted just a letter and Z was the one that sounded the best. He didn't answer to Smoke so I didn't feel bad changing his name. He's really just a dog and will eventually get used to the name anyway.

I can honestly say that I feel like I am ready to have the responsibility of a dog. We don't live in a house anymore so it's not like I can just open the door and have him go pee in the backyard. I actually had to get the leash out and walk him at 6:00 this morning. He's so happy and cute that I didn't mind. Now, it's the first morning. I am still in the "honeymoon" phase. This will not be as exciting when I have been out the night before or up late and don't want to get out of bed. I realize that, but for now, I am happy to go outside.

It's actually nice to think that I have a really good reason to get off the couch. The kids have a reason to go outside. We have something to take care of other than ourselves. I just hope that, when Michael moves out again, he doesn't want to take Z with him. My plan is to have him for when I have the empty nest syndrome going on. Who knows, I just might become the crazy dog lady. It's a ton easier than trying to have a boyfriend! :)

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Monday, December 26, 2011

It's that time of year again...

The most beautifully simple Christmas tree.

Yesterday was Christmas, 2011. It was a very simple and quiet day for us here in the Nobles' household. I was up at 6:00 to put the turkey in. *Note to year, don't worry about getting up that early.* It was about 10:30 before a single child was stirring. The turkey was done, I had tried to go back to sleep to no availe and so there I was suddenly rushing because the next child up, Ben, reports that he needs to be at his new girlfriend April's house by 11:15 to do presents.

Now, this is very typical of Ben so I just put on my mom face and said, "You aren't eating here with us?" If he had just given me notice the day before I would have been more prepared. After deliberating and talking to April, he said he didn't have to be there until 1:15 now. Good, because we still had presents to open and I had side dishes to make and of course, I still wanted to make myself presentable.

All week this past week I was stressed about what I needed to get the kids and money and where we had to be. I just kept thinking, "This isn't what Christmas is about. I have to make a change in how this is handled next year." The only thing that made it easier was that I didn't have to deal with the kids going to the ex's house. They decided "not to do Christmas this year". Thank goodness! That's one hurdle I don't have to jump this year.

These events have made me realize that next year, there may be more girlfriend's, boyfriend's and friend's families to have to be with on this one day of the year. My beautiful children are getting older. They are starting to have lives of their own. There could very likely come a day when Christmas morning isn't spent at my house. This is just another adjustment in the life of being a parent. I will brace myself and be thankful and happy that these wonderful people that I have raised will have done what life intended them to do.....have a life of their own!

The most important thing for me will to always be able to have all of us in one room at the same time, no matter what the day. Just to be in the room celebrating family and the love of the Christmas season. If this happens for us in another month of the year, then that's the way it is. I just don't ever want to lose the feeling of family. Ever

So from our family to yours, Merry Christmas and may 2012 bring you the happiness, love and peace that you desire and may your hearts be constantly filled with Joy!

Michael, Alyssa, Jonathan and Benjamin say "Merry Chritmas everyone!"
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Sunday, December 18, 2011

Do you really want to be one of THOSE people?

I have been reading a lot of online articles about women and men, relationships and family. I have come across blogs written by men who have never been married and women who have been married a long time and seem happy but admit to struggle.Recently, while talking to a guy I know about men and how frustrating it can be to date, he said, "You know you sound bitter, right?" I was a little surprised that he said that, but upon being quiet and thinking about what he had just said, I knew he was right. My frustration is coming across as bitterness. I need to work on that. That is completey the opposite response I wanted. I know where it comes from. It was those first 36 years of my life where I was chastized for voicing my opinion, therefore, now I don't know how to do it without sounding.....ugh, bitter.

You know when people say, "You can't change anyone" how truly spot on that is? It hurts too much for people to make the effort to change so most people won't. They don't see themselves as other people see them and so they will continue to be who they are until they find SOMEONE who will see them the way they see themselves. Well, I don't want to be that person. I want to see myself in the light of who I really am. BUT I want the person who I really am to be good and loving and non-judgmental and accepting of everyone and everything.

Which brings me to my next point....I grew up in church and had religious beliefs shoved down my throat every single day for most of my childhood and adult life. In fact, it still happens and I find myself welling up inside wanting to scream, "Can you talk without quoting a bible verse and mentioning the name of God just ONCE??" So, why is it so offensive to me when that's how those people talk? Maybe it all that guilt that was shoved on me as a child. For me, I want the person I appear to be to memick that of Christ, not just what comes out of my mouth.

This article,, really spelled out for me the type of Christian I want people to see me as. I work in a corporate office surrounded by the funnest, most joyful group of people and my guess is about half of them are Christians. I know for a fact one is Agnostic. They all know I'm a Christian, mostly because it came up in conversation and they are my friends on Facebook, but do I appear "Jesus like" at work? Um, not always. Although I want to think I do atleast half the time.

What you will never find me doing is shoving my beliefs down their throat or making those that aren't Christians feel uncomfortable. Why? Because that would run them off. Is that what we are supposed to do? NO. God does not want us to run people off from Him by vomiting His name of them over and over and making them uncomfortable. He wants us to be real and love them to the point where they want to know how we can be so calm in the face of adversities.

After previewing my writing (love it when I do that) I have gone from dating to religion in one big swoop. Imagine that. That's how my brain works so enjoy. My point is that, as a people, be who you are through your actions and make sure your actions are who you want to be. No matter what the circumstance, check yourself before you show a side of you people who rather not see.
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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Getting into the Season

Random house in a neighborhood by my office.
It seems like every year Christmas is different for me....are the kids there or not, am I really even feeling it? Last year I was dating someone that I actually broke up with four days later....more than four days too late, but that's another story. This year....I'm not really sure I'm feeling it yet, but it's getting there.

After my therapy sessions, I've decided I really want to be a better person. I appear to be someone on the outside that I am not always feeling on the inside. I let things get to me WAY too quickly and I take things more personally than people would imagine. I know when it's happening and I know I can just find someone to vent to and let it out, but I want to stop it before it gets to that point.

The "Reason for the Season" is about others, not about us. I have focused way too much on me in recent years and I really want to focus on other people this year. I have a lot of great friends and certain family members in my life that I don't think know just how much I appreciate them. I haven't been to church lately, but the church posts the pastor's sermon on Facebook so I can watch it from there. A recent sermon was about how Christmas is NOT your birthday. Well, that kinda hit home to me. I don't ever expect anything much from anyone for Christmas anymore. It's more about what I can do for my kids....for the most part. It's always nice to get a little somethin' somethin' but I don't expect it so I won't get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I really just want to be able to control that switch between my brain and my mouth. I want to WANT to have a relationship with my mom who is suffering from dementia. I want to let go of the events of two years ago and just be with her as much as possible before she is gone. This means going through her oldest son and THAT is my greatest challenge. I will have to open that door and talk to him again and have him tell me how things are supposed to go. I know he loves having control, so do I just let him have it in order to see my mom? I suppose so. Will I do it? That is yet to be seen. I guess, since he will have nothing once she's gone and really, this is all he has right now, I could give it to him. Let him have this one thing.

Being like Jesus. That's what I want to be. Be like Jesus. I want people to see Jesus in me, not the hate and bitterness that tends to come out when I least want it to. It's not gonna be easy but I've been through harder things. I can do this.

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Monday, December 5, 2011

This is why they make THOSE drugs.

I may be sharing some information in this post that others would never share with an unknown audience, but this is my outlet, so I'm telling it.

The company I work for pays for six therapy sessions a year. That's all paid for, six times to go sit and talk to someone who is a professional brain picker. I decided to take them on the offer. It was interesting, one, because my counselor seemeed like he had the beginning stages of dimentia. I was always retelling my story when I went in. I could have changed counselors, but I really liked him. He was older and very open and honest, not like any other therapist I'd seen before.

At first, I wasn't really sure what to talk about except that I had man-trust issues. I had just been dooped once again in a bad relationship and had decided I should just be eternally single. Really all I needed was someone to talk to, listen and then figure things out for myself. He didn't really offer any suggestions, basically saying that everything I was going through was just life stuff. He gave me an anxiety scale test. I was just over the boarder for severe anxiety. Surprise? No. But he did confirm that I am NOT bipolar as my ex likes to tell my kids that I am. I just have some really shitty people in my life that stress me out and I have to learn how to deal with them, even those that I have basically X'd out of my life.

Now comes the daily trial of working with some of these people that sort of stress me out. We are all different. I get that. I just have this zero tolerance thing going on lately. Is it because I'm getting older? Is it that I have put up with my share and shit and idiots in my life and I'm tired already? I have come to realize that THIS is why they make medications to help with stress. I'm not anything daily, just on an as needed basis. It makes me an easier person to be around, I think. It makes it easier for me to be around me anyway. I also want to put a sign out saying, "Hey coworker! Did you know that our company pays for six therapy sessions? You should try it out and get some help for this issue I have with you!" Too much? Ok, well, I can't really do that, but oh how I would like to give them some therapy.
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