Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve

The last few days have been pretty good. Today, not so much. When I woke up I don't think I was really ready to get up but had too much to do not to, you know? I realize I have expectations of people. I don't know how to live my life without putting expectations on those people that I associate with on a daily basis. I don't see them as unreasonable expectations, but maybe any expectation is unreasonable. I don't know.

Christmas is so commericalized it's about to drive me to not celebrate the holiday ever again. It's all about the "season of giving" yet everyone talks about what they want. I work with a lot of people. I have four kids and three parents to buy for. Who all am I expected to buy for? If someone gives me an unexpected gift am I expected to give one back or is a thank you card enough? These are the questions I am trying to answer. I just don't know anymore. I have been dating a guy for over three months. I haven't been sure that we would even be dating at Christmas so was I supposed to buy him something or not? If I did get him something, what is a reasonable price range? What is too much vs. what is too little? I did get him a very thoughtful gift and I think it was at about the right price range, but who really knows? I think it's all about personal opinion.

Today wasn't a good day for me. I had to get out and get a few things and guess what? It was raining. Last year it was snowing like crazy. This year...rain. I don't even know why I bothered to try to fix my hair. It just curles up ugly so why bother? But I did twice. I went to the grocery store and told myself that if there wasn't a parking spot two or three from the door I wasn't going inside. There was. I did. Then I had to get the groceries in the house, refix my hair and leave with the kids to go to my dad's for Christmas. All the while I am in a horrible mood. I feel disrespected and taken advantage of, probably for no good reason. I spent too much time in the bathroom crying. I hate days like today.Then the kids and I go to the candlelight service at church and things got a little better. Now as I sit here typing this my stomach problem has reared it's ugly head and I feel horrible. Physically ill. This is most likely the reason for my mood all day. I want a do over on today.

This is a picture of my kids with my dad, stepmom and sweet Aunt Mary, who has small cell cancer and wasn't supposed to live past June and is still going strong. She fell a few weeks ago and now lives with my dad. Her rotater cup is torn in her right arm and she is supposed to have surgery on it in February. Say a pray for her every night. She needs it.

The picture at the top is the Christmas tree at the Adolfus Hotel in Dallas. It was pretty. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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