Wednesday, January 6, 2010

What do I say now?

For some reason, it's always in the back of my mind that I need to blog. Just in case someone, other than my wonderful brother, reads this, I should put something endearing and thought-provoking here on a daily or every other daily basis. Today I have nothing but I have a need to write. I decided to go searching through and look at other blogs to see what other people right about. They have this section called "Blogs of Note". Whenever I go through there and click on a blog that has an interesting title, the subject at hand doesn't interest me. Maybe it's just me.

There seems to be so much going on in my world and yet, nothing I can really talk about. Except that I will be going to Odessa, along with my dad, his wife and my mother, to go support Ben as he trys out for a spot in the All-State Band - but that's for another post. The other stuff is personal stuff that one really shouldn't air in public but that, if I am to stay sane, really want to talk about. It's that kinda stuff that you think, "Why? Why are some people so dang hard to get along with? Why can't we just all think about who we are doing this for and quit putting our own personal screw ups and worries into and just be a friggin' adult? WHY?"

Then there is the topic of relationships. I am divorced, as you all should know by now. I have had a few relationships in the six years since the finality of my marriage. WOW! Six years? Yes. I am often asked (well not as often anymore but still asked) why I am still single. There is a good reason for that and it's not because I want to be. I don't really have any choice right now unless I want to settle for someone I don't feel is good enough for me and my kids.

My oldest son is in a relationship with a girl that I dearly love and care about. They have been dating for a little over a year with a small break up about a month ago. As much as I would love to believe that young love can last forever, I just don't. Michael knows my feelings on this and we talk about it a lot. He is very aware of relationship and love having seen what his father and I went through. He was 12 at the time. He hasn't forgotten anything. My daughter hasn't really had too many boyfriends. She just seems to be friends with a lot of people. We don't really talk about it too much, but I think she is a bit leary of relationships as well. My second son is in and out of "relationships" with varying girls, not seeming to really want to stick with one girl. He finds the whole thing boring at times. I am ok with that. No need to rush into anything.

I hate to think that I have projected my bad feelings about loving, lasting relationships onto my kids. I honestly do believe that love can last forever and that two people can be together and faithful for a lifetime. The issue is that is needs to be the RIGHT person, not just any person. I am looking for the RIGHT person for me and that's what I want for my kids. Granted, they are all still way too young to be looking that far into the future, but things haven't changed much since I was in high school. Kids still get married very young and we all know how girls are...they want the fairytale while the guy is like "what? I want to go do....."

I haven't given up on finding that one person that God has out there for me. As corny as that sounds in my head, that's really what I am waiting for. And if there isn't anyone, as John Mayer says, "I'm perfectly lonely...'cause I don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me." and that's not to say, there never comes a day, I'll take my chances and start again, and when I look behind on all my younger times, I'll have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong. That's the way I want it."
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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ok, the John Mayer song, perfect. I feel that way for sure. I think I could read what you have to say like all the time. I am not a big reader but knowing you wrote it helps...