Monday, July 27, 2009

Emotions Are A Crazy Thing


Do you ever just wake up in a funk?? Just in a place on the borderline of depression but not really depression, just sad for an unknown reason? That's how I was yesterday. I had a great time with my friends on Friday night, woke up and went to visit with friends from high school that I hadn't seen in 20+ years, then spent the evening with Michael and Ashleigh at her nephew's first birthday party. All in all, my weekend had been a good one. Maybe it was the movie I watched when I got home Saturday night. "Changeling" isn't exactly an uplifting movie. But then again, I never really just sit and watch a movie. I am more about listening and half-watching.

Sunday I couldn't get myself out of bed and then before I knew it, it was too late to go to church, not that I wanted to anyway. It felt better to just stay in my house and be secluded. I knew I would see the boys and I couldn't deal with that. As I like to do, I spent the day self-analyzing what was wrong with me and why I was so teary. I don't usually cry for no reason, so when I would just starting crying, there was no explaination for it and it was frustrating.

I had purchased a double feature on my ATT u-verse and needed to watch the other movie - MILK. Again, not the most uplifting of movies but this one I watched more than just listened to. I could blame it on the two movies I watched. I could blame it on the kids being gone for a month. I could blame it on not having a significant other in my life. But that wasn't it. Generally, I am really a happy person. I know my kids love me and I know that one day God will give me the right person for me (and the kids) to spend the rest of my life with.

I guess I was just overwhelmed with life and needed a good cry. I probably should have let myself cry more than I did, but I didn't and I am fine now. Michael and Ben showed up at the house after worship practice and Ben came over and snuggled up next to me on the bed. That just makes everything right with the world. I was hungry from not eating much all day, so asked if they wanted to go get something to eat with me. We had a great evening together and left right as the storms were rolling in.

Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old today. Looking back on the last 42 years, I can say it's been a good life. There are mistakes I have made and decisions I wish I had not made, but no regrets. If I live with regrets that means I don't like where I am now, and I like where I am now. I am loved by all my children. I have a few really close friends who would do just about anything for me (except sing Karaoke!) and I know that my future holds a lot of promises. Every day is new and different. As my dad said to me on Saturday, "the only thing that is consistant is change".
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