Monday, July 27, 2009

Emotions Are A Crazy Thing

Do you ever just wake up in a funk?? Just in a place on the borderline of depression but not really depression, just sad for an unknown reason? That's how I was yesterday. I had a great time with my friends on Friday night, woke up and went to visit with friends from high school that I hadn't seen in 20+ years, then spent the evening with Michael and Ashleigh at her nephew's first birthday party. All in all, my weekend had been a good one. Maybe it was the movie I watched when I got home Saturday night. "Changeling" isn't exactly an uplifting movie. But then again, I never really just sit and watch a movie. I am more about listening and half-watching.

Sunday I couldn't get myself out of bed and then before I knew it, it was too late to go to church, not that I wanted to anyway. It felt better to just stay in my house and be secluded. I knew I would see the boys and I couldn't deal with that. As I like to do, I spent the day self-analyzing what was wrong with me and why I was so teary. I don't usually cry for no reason, so when I would just starting crying, there was no explaination for it and it was frustrating.

I had purchased a double feature on my ATT u-verse and needed to watch the other movie - MILK. Again, not the most uplifting of movies but this one I watched more than just listened to. I could blame it on the two movies I watched. I could blame it on the kids being gone for a month. I could blame it on not having a significant other in my life. But that wasn't it. Generally, I am really a happy person. I know my kids love me and I know that one day God will give me the right person for me (and the kids) to spend the rest of my life with.

I guess I was just overwhelmed with life and needed a good cry. I probably should have let myself cry more than I did, but I didn't and I am fine now. Michael and Ben showed up at the house after worship practice and Ben came over and snuggled up next to me on the bed. That just makes everything right with the world. I was hungry from not eating much all day, so asked if they wanted to go get something to eat with me. We had a great evening together and left right as the storms were rolling in.

Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old today. Looking back on the last 42 years, I can say it's been a good life. There are mistakes I have made and decisions I wish I had not made, but no regrets. If I live with regrets that means I don't like where I am now, and I like where I am now. I am loved by all my children. I have a few really close friends who would do just about anything for me (except sing Karaoke!) and I know that my future holds a lot of promises. Every day is new and different. As my dad said to me on Saturday, "the only thing that is consistant is change".
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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Birthday Celebrations

A few weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to do something fun for my birthday. Since my divorce (this seems to be my landmark a lot...) I have tried to do fun things for my birthday. I think everyone should. Last year I spend time with my kids, which was fun, but I like adult time too. Karaoke was the name of the game this year. I used to sing in school and I love to sing, love listen to music and sometimes fear I will break out in song at work while I am listening and working.

There is a bar near my house that has been there for a long, long time. I just didn't realize that it did Karaoke. When I googled looking fo a good place near my house, Vino's came up first. All the reviews were really good. They said the food wasn't that great but the Karaoke was a lot of fun. I decided to go see the place and see what the karaoke was like. It was Wednesday night, not a lot of people there, but a very regular crowd. I should have sung, but I didn't. I could tell this would be a perfect place to go, though, and couldn't wait to tell all my friends.

So Friday night I got to Vino's and Missy, Brad and JD were there right after me. They brought me and cake and Missy wrote me a note in her card that brought tears to my eyes. She and I met online through a guy I was dating at the time. We became friends almost immediately and that was over 5 years ago. It is amazing to me that two of my closest friends are women I met online and one of my guys friends I met on a dating website. That's why I love the internet. There are people out there you would never cross paths with if it were not for some of these sites out there.

Pretty soon, the rest of the group showed up and we were figuring out all the Karaoke rules and how to get signed up. I put in to sing "Mustkrat Love" first. I don't have a video of it, but in my head - it was FABULOUS!! We had cake and I opened my gifts and then it was time to throw in the "birthday girl" card. I knew this place was fun and would have a good crowd, I just didn't realize that there would be so many people signing up! We were getting tired of just sitting there and there was only so much you could really talk about when other people were singing. It was really loud in there.

I wanted to sing "Summer Nights" because it was a favorite of mine and I had sung it my senior year in high school, back-up singers and all. Brad was supposed to sing with me but he said it was too high for him. So here I am off to find some random guy to sing with me. There was a guy that was in line to sign up for a song and we got to talking. I heard him sing and though, he's the one!! Off I go to the pool tables to find him. I am not typically a shy person and when I am feeling confident, I am feeling REALLY confident. I'm sure I shocked him when I asked him to sing with me. He just looked at me at first and then I could tell he was thinking too much. "Just do it! Don't think about it!" I said.

It took just a little prodding but I got him to agree to sing with me. I told him I would be back for him when it was close to our turn. I have a video and Brad posted it on YouTube. I don't think you will be able to find it and I am not posting it here. The song went much better in my head, of course, but I can tell you this...I had a blast and cracked up through most of it. My duet partner didn't know when he was supposed to sing so I had to nudge him, but then again, I wasn't sure when he was supposed to sing either!

All in all, one of the best birthdays I've had in my adult life. So, thanks to all my friends for coming out and helping me have a great night of fun!
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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Watching My Kids Grow Up

Ben and I had our "date" night last week. We went back to the same sushi bar that we went to on Mother's Day. We had such a great time together, just talking and sharing thoughts and stuff. It's amazing how you see the progression of your children going from little kids, to teenagers and then that gradual transition to an adult. Since Ben doesn't live with me anymore, our relationship has changed just a little bit. I feel like I don't really know him as well as I do my other kids. Maybe not him specifically but more like what goes on in his every day life. I see him at church all the time and he does spend every other weekend with me, but his every day comings and goings aren't done with me anymore.

It's something that I am ok with, though, because I know that he made the choice to live with him dad and it had nothing to do with me as a parent. He is as happy as he can be, I guess, and it's his choice. He knows I still love him and that he can come home at any time. Watching your kids realize certain things about life and their parents and how the world works is really an awesome process. This is when you realize you either did a good job or you screwed up. I think I have done a pretty good job. My kids are happy, well-adjusted people who are secure and independent and that's really all I can ask for.

It's been almost two weeks since I blogged so I'm not sure if I wrote about this already, but Michael got back from church camp at the end of June and said he now feels called to be a youth minister. This really was just a confirmation for me of what I felt last year when he got home from the same church camp. I am very excited and happy and have mixed feelings about the whole thing. My experience with church plays a part in how I feel because I so desperately want my son to be the youth pastor I never had. I want for him to be open-minded in his leadership role. We have had a few guest speakers at youth since the last youth pastor left. They are awesome, open and true about what they teach. I can truly see Michael that same way.

Life is good.
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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Being Sick SUCKS

About a month ago, I got this pain near my jaw on the left side of my face. I fought it and fought it and then just decided to go see the doctor because the ache was really getting to me. I got antibiotics and all was well with the world. Until this past Saturday evening. The pain came back, except this time it was on the right side of my face. Again, there was no lump that I could feel, nothing I could see in my mouth. My ear was hurting a little. I figured it was a sinus something or other and that I should just go ahead and see if my doctor would call in a refill for the antibiotics that I had last month.

I didn't go to church on Sunday, but Monday morning I went to work, called the doctor and put in the refill request, and then made it through the day on pain pills. One of my friends at work was telling me I should rub that area because it was probably just a backed up sinus and it would get everything moving. Well, that helped a little bit but only for a minute or two. i thought maybe heat would help, but never got to that. I left work feeling ok, but by the time I got home I was in a lot of pain. I had mom get me some Mucinex D and a vicodine and I was set for the night. It helped a lot, so much so that I went upstairs and cleaned up the kids rooms (which weren't really that bad) and vaccumed and cleaned the bathroom. I passed out about 11:00 pm.

At 3:00 am, I woke up with such a fever and sore throat that I could not even think straight. Mind you, my doctor wasn't able to get to my medicine refill request yet, so I still hadn't had any antibiotics, so all I have is Mucinex D and Advil. I could barely stomach the thought of getting up to get the thermometer to find out what my temperature was, so the thought of taking anything made me sick to my stomach. For the next 3 hours I laid there miserable, thinking I was dieing and so glad that I don't get this sick very often. I turned off my alarm that morning and finally felt good enough to get up about 8:00 to try to go to work. I lasted exactly 2 hours before I decided I was either going to sit there and cry all day or go home and go back to bed and wait for my antibiotics to come through.

Two days later I feel alive again. It took about 24 hours for the antibiotics to kick in. The Mucinex D helped but didn't make things better enough that I felt myself. When things like this happen to me, it makes me realize that I don't REALLY get sick like this very often. I am so thankful for this, but need to remember this for the next time I just THINK I don't feel good. There are those people who get a hang nail and think they need to stay home from work. Fortunately, I only have 3 sick days left this year, since I restarted my position in May. This does keep me from just staying home for no good reason. I have to keep my vacation days building up for marching season, so can't be usein' those, huh?
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Monday, July 13, 2009

Sacrifices of a Parent

Friday night was my "date" night with Jonathan. It almost got messed up because his dad was making family plans to go see the same movie we had talked about going to see. Thankfully, even though a few tears were unnecessarily shed, we were able to go see....Transformers 2. Yes, I endured this action-packed movie for my little boy. It's what he wanted to go see and so, I went along. We went to Movie Tavern so we could eat and I could have a beer and enjoy watching him watch the movie. Michael was at home when I brought Jonathan back so I could change clothes. He wanted to go see the movie, too, so Jonathan agreed that it would be nice to have Michael with us.

This made me realize the sacrifices parents "should" make for their kids. There are things that my kids want to do that aren't necessarily my "cup of tea' but it's what they want to do. It's not always about me and about what I want to do. If I want to spend time with them, sometimes it has to be on their terms. And that should be ok. Unfortunately, most parents aren't good about that. This also pertains to functions that your kids are involved in. Some people aren't as into the band as others, but if it's a passion of the kid, don't you think you should go and watch the performance, even if it means sitting through an hour or more of other people's kids playing?

Making happy memories for the child seems much more important in the skeem of things. Thinking about other people first, that's what we were all taught growing up. Somehow, when we get older, we all become selfish and only want to do what is comfortable for us. Now please do not take this as though I am patting myself on the back. I am very fortunate that my kids are involved in a lot of the things that I myself like. Therefore, it isn't hard for me to participate, go watch and enjoy being with them. Life is short. If you haven't spent quality time lately with someone you care for, take this opportunity to make plans together. It may be the last chance you get.
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Friday, July 10, 2009

Health Issues

How Cute Are They???

It seems that these things come and go in our family. The older kids are getting their wisdom teeth in and I have no dentist to go to. I did find one that we have been to before, but now comes making the appointments and taking the time to get them in to have their teeth cleaned and checked and decide when to pull these teeth. Thankfully, I do have dental insurance that I hope is fairly good. I don't know because I have never had to use it until now.

I went to the doctor for my yearly check up on Wednesday. I am never just feeling tip top. My energy level has been low for a while. Back in the Spring, when I wanted to donate blood, my iron was always too low. I finally got tired of being turned down and just haven't gone back. Well, Carol, my nurse practitioner of 30 years, tells me that my blood work from last year showed that I am boarder line anemic, which would explain a lot of things. They are doing more blood work to find out if this could be part of why I am just always tired. The other thing is my cycle (men with queasy stomach or don't want TMI - leave)They are getting worse, more painful, to the point where I have to take heavy pain pills and feel like puking for days on end. I have always been normal and consistent in this area, until about 2 years ago. I have gained weight in weird places that don't affect my clothes and the way they fit, but the scales says I am heavier.

I have decided to check into have a procedure called an Ablation. It's where they go in and basically cauterize the entire lining of your uterus. Why not just have a hysterectomy, you ask? Because I am not sure it's completely necessary right now. No, I do not want more children, but I don't like the thought of taking something out of my body that is working fine or putting something in my body that I wasn't born with. I am tired of feeling exhausted all the time. I have been told that this surgery will make me feel so much better, have more energy, and will make a world of difference, so I'm going to do it. Just have to get to the doctor to discuss it and schedule it.

Michael is leaving for another church camp on Sunday. Alyssa and Ben are going to be "counselors" at VBS starting Sunday night and going through Thursday. Jonathan is supposed to go, too, but he didn't seem to happy about it when I told him. That is up to his dad, I guess. I have a full week of doing really pretty much nothing. I want to get started on redoing my kitchen. One gallon of paint for the walls and a couple of gallons for the cabinets and I should be set. Now I just need the help of a few good friends. LOL I even bought myself on of those electric screwdrivers so I can get the cabinet doors off easier. I'll let ya know how that works out for me.
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Monday, July 6, 2009

Weekend Alone #1

I have managed to keep myself extremely busy since the kids have been gone. It was nice to be out, not worry who was where and when I should be home. I just had to worry about myself. Sometimes that is enough for anybody!

Wednesday night was church and then getting the kids to where they needed to be. Michael and Ben went to their Gramma and Papa's house to spend the night with their cousin, Matt. They do this quite often. It's nice for them since they are all so close. Jonathan didn't take any legos, but he has Avery there, who is also 10, and so I am not sure if he will be back for legos later or not. I just made it real clear, in front of their dad, that I didn't want them just popping back in whenever they felt like it. I didn't want to come off as not wanting them around, but at the same time, when I am adjusting to being alone, I tend to get in the mind-frame that no one is here and no one will be coming over.

Thursday was work and more work. I left a little early because, let's face it, the next day was my July 4th holiday and I wasn't getting a single email or phone call after noon that day anyway. I went with my friend, Kirsten, to get a pedicure, have my eyebrows and mustache waxed and relax. I had a meeting at church that I was supposed to go to, but they were so busy at the salon that it took way longer than I had allowed for, week. I will be there. (fingers crossed) Then I had nice evening plans with a new friend that lives in Arlington. We watched a movie and had a nice Greek dinner. The movie was "Taken" with Liam Nieson. It was very suspenseful and good, if you like that kind of movie, which I do. He hooked me on these amazing, sweet, pickled red pepper things. I am going to have to go to Kroger and see if I can find them.

Friday I slept in (love it!) and then went to get my hair done. My friend, Kirsten's, niece is going to cosmetology school at this place up the street. I have known her for a long time and thought I would let her work on this hair of mine. I don't know what to do with it anymore. I have it cut and I color it myself. I have wanted highlights for a while and since she is in school, it's a lot less expensive. So that was about four hours of my day, but it was worth it and I am happy to have that done and over with. That night I met a few friends for dinner at Bucca de Beppo. That place has the biggest portions and I can never eat my money's worth, but it was nice and always good to get out. Later, we went to a "honky tonk" bar in Grapevine so Ann Marie could dance. I was the table holder. It's always important to have a designated driver and a table holder. Especially after the sun goes down and people want some place to go listen to music on a Friday night. All three of us had to work the next day at Trader's so we weren't out late at all.

Saturday, July 4th - it is so SO hot here in Texas lately. I know it's July, but it is just like stifling hot. The air in the kitchen at Trader's wasn't moving, they were cooking these turkey legs and so it was just way too hot in there for me. Luckily, I only had to be there about 3 1/2 hours before they let me go. I did my share of complaining, otherwise they would have just kept me there for no reason. There was hardly anyone out there and believe me, they weren't eating anything hot. Later that evening, I went to Missy and Brad's to have dinner and think about if we were going to watch fireworks or not. I have them right behind my house and they are close to Arlington where they shoot off fireworks as well. We all decided to just go our seperate ways. I wanted to be close to my bed, knowing that they wouldn't start until 10:00 and that I wanted to go to bed immediately following the last hurrah. I am getting so old. I just sat there thinking, wow this is too bright! It's so loud! Just not as fun as it used to be, I guess.

Sunday was church in the morning and catching up on chores at home in the afternoon. Then, I took Alyssa for our one-on-one time. We went to see "My Sister's Keeper" at the Colleyville Movie Grill so we could eat and watch the movie, and let's be honest here, I wanted a beer, too. If you need a really good cry, go see this movie. I haven't cried like that since...well, it hasn't really been that long, but over a movie - it's been forever. Cameron Diaz was amazing as the mom and little Abigail Breslin - wow. There was such emotion through the entire movie. I don't know that I can go see it again, as much as I would suggest it to friends. i asked our server to bring extra napkins, one for me and one for Alyssa, because I had a feeling the tears would be coming. It was fun to sit and talk with her before the movie and then she came over to the house for a little bit afterwards. I wish I had more one on-one-time with them. I guess if I made it a point, I would, huh?
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