Thursday, April 16, 2009

A Year of Letting Go

This year is becoming a year of letting go. The more I think about it, the more I see it all around me. It started out last year, actually, when I let Benjamin go live with his dad. We were going to discuss it again at Christmas. We did. He wanted to stay, so 2009 started out with only three of my four children living under my roof every night. That is not an easy thing as a mother who wants to nurture her children until the very end. I came to terms with him staying there fairly quickly. Knowing that he is making this decision has helped take the guilt off of me. He is old enough. He knows he can come home whenever he wants. He knows I love him and I see him often, at least every Sunday at church if not more.

Alyssa just turned 16. She hasn't gotten her license yet and she doesn't have a car. But, I know that as soon as she gets her license, she can take my car to go run an errand for me if I need her to. I do struggle with taking her to get her license but it's inevitable and when I go back to work, I won't be able to take off work early to take her. So, we will be going very soon. It scares me if I think about it, but I have to let go at some point.

Speaking of going back to work, I have made a decision not to put Jonathan back in Extended Day after school care when I start working again. Since I am home, he is practicing walking home from school. He has done it once and I think it made him feel really grown up. That HAS to be a good thing because he does tend to act like the baby sometimes. Back in my day, we walked to school and home from school ALL the time. We also lived in a neighborhood of kids who all walked to school together. I rarely walked alone because I atleast had my brother Andy to walk with me. Jonathan doesn't have any school friends in our neighborhood because we actually live on the other side of Harwood from where his school is. He should go to another elementary, but because his older siblings went to this school and his dad lives in the right area, he can still go there. And, kids just don't walk home from school anymore, not like they used to. He has a cell phone so he will call me when he leaves school and when he gets home.

Michael will graduate in May.(I wrote this in March) Today I picked up Michael's senior portrait, you know, the one in the tux that will go in the annual. At lunch, Michael got his graduation invitations. It is becoming more and more real that my first born is going to graduate high school in a little over 2 months. I hadn't really given it too much thought in the last, oh, 18 years of his life. I try to just take things one day at a time when it comes to my kids (I like to think I do anyway.) I have a feeling, after Michael graduates that may all change.

My kids are doing what kids do. They are growing up and becoming more and more independent. What else they are doing is finding a new love of life and hopefully, a respect of me as their mom. My goal now is to have my kids want to come home now and then and bring their family for me to enjoy.
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Andy Baker said...

I love that the title is 'A Year of Letting Go' and there's no picture. (Was that a technical glitch?) It's all about letting go, sister. The Buddhists say so. It's constant loosening the grip. You're doing a great job. Love you.

searching for life said...

It was a technical glitch - user error. I have fixed it. Thank you for believing in me as a mom. I try. Sometimes it's much harder than I thought it would be. I love them that much. Love you, too!