Monday, February 9, 2009

What a World, What a World!

WARNING! This isn't going to be a necessarily happy and fun blog (hence the name)

There I am, the wicked witch melting away as my four sweet children stand by wondering "What the...." That was pretty much how my weekend went. I stayed home from work on Friday because I had been fighting a cold for a week or more and decided Thursday night that I had probably fought it all I could. I went to bed early to get as much sleep as possible and see if it would help. It didn't. I woke up Friday morning, got the kids off to school and went back to bed for a while.

Sometimes I am just done with the junk in my life. Sometimes I'm not and decide not to deal with it. I am facing one personal issue that I am not going to tell about on here. It's private, but it has been affecting me and I am dealing with it. The other thing, well, it's not something that no one else in the world has dealt with, but it's personal, too. I am going to start a bit of "counseling" with a lady at church to see if I can get past a huge issue of mine since childhood. (I use quotes because she's not a licensed counselor, more of a spiritual leader). Sometimes you just have to realize that certain things about your life will never change. It's always easier to grieve when it's a person that has passed away. It's harder when it's something that may never die.

As a result of all my wooes, my children saw me cry quite a bit this weekend. I don't usually do that around them, or I at least try not to. There was a lot of that in the beginning of my divorce and I think that was enough for them. Although, I do think kids need to see the human side of their parents. This wasn't something I could really talk to them about so it was just a lot of "I'm fine" and "I sometimes just need a good cry". I felt like I was just melting away screaming "What a World! What a World" inside.

Then Sunday night, as I was getting ready to go to my evening class at church, I get a call from my daughter. The call - again very personal - completely caught me off guard and wasn't anything a parenting book can help you prepare for. I have great kids. I could say they are good, but honestly they are great. Do they make mistakes? Oh, don't we all. But the bottom line is they are great kids. They are smart and talented and try very hard at whatever it is they are doing. At times like this, I am shown that I honestly believe I was cut out to be a parent, a good parent of teenagers. I believe that I went through all the crap in my life to be the kind of parent that I have proven to be in very tough situations. I am stronger than I thought I was and stronger than a lot of other people think they are.

Before you start jumping to conclusions - she's not pregnant. Not even close. But she is my daughter and I am very proud of her, no matter what the circumstances. I have an opportunity here to show her complete unconditional love that I wasn't shown as a teenager. I have the opportunity to change the course of her future in a major way. I just pray that God mends the broken road forever so that my children don't have to go through all of the emotional crap that I have had to go through.
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